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Redwillow82
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Name: Robin
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Brooklyn
Birthday: 5/12/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: Jesus. Being a filmmaker. Reading, sometimes. The color green. Planting, I hope to find out one day. Reading the Bible. Talking, especially about Christian stuff. Listening. Learning. Living. The letter L?
Expertise: Thinking. Over analyzing. Building faith and trust in God. Hopefully, making films one day. Listening to music and daydreaming. And finally, learning to take action.
Occupation: Unemployed. Hopefully not for
Industry: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  redwillow82
Member Since:
3/19/2005
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| Dear Lord,
After that talk last night with the bunch of us young in our 20's talking to Jen about truly living, truly embracing who you are and working past fear, ruthlessly stomping it into the ground-I realized that we are all trying to do just that. We're trying to LIVE, we are trying to figure out what it means to truly live. You said with You we can soar on the wings of eagles (paraphrasing). The very core of Your being, of who You are, and the basis of Your message is that through You there is Life. Yes, life from death but I know You are also talking about LIFE-living, freedom, embracing all that You made us to be.
All of us at that table understood what we were saying to Jen. Lord, it's the desire of my heart that I and those that I come across truly now how to LIVE. How to make choices not based on our fears but on what we truly want and need.
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| I told my friend today that I was not happy. It was a very simple statement and made while I was walking back to the job which is the source of that unhappiness. I do not like that I was so easily able to make that statement. It came out of my mouth the same as if I was saying "I'm about to drink coffee" maybe even easier and it was a true statement.
I'm tired my emotions and the way they effect my stomach. I would like to be able to compartmentalize the aspects of my life as well as my emotions and get done the things that need to be done. I should be able to work this job the eight hrs a day that I do, go home and resume the rest of my life. I should be able to unemotionally do this job.
I do not like my job. I do not know why. It makes me feel stressed, anxious, sad, and trapped. I don't know why.
There are other things I need to worry about as well. I'm trying to figure out how to prioritize.
My goal is not to settle this year. I now realize I don't know what the hell that means. I suppose I will be spending this year figuring that out.
Feels like something is missing in my life. I don't know what it is or what I'm looking for. I have not found it.
J said he can't see me with anyone. Perpetually single. By choice and not by calling. Bummer if that's true. I need to start making some changes in that case.
Settling. Changes. Missing pieces. What are you looking for?
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| Nearly a month since I last journaled. Stuff has happened.
- I no longer work at the doctor's office. Long story I'm not getting into here.
- The bank somehow lost 250 dollars of mine. I'm still working on getting it back.
- I meant a new friend. He's cool. We hung out tonight and watched Juno. Beautiful movie. Great experience. His passion for film and writing amazes my mind and reminds me of when I was young and passionate and the possibility that maybe I can be again. Is that hope? No quite, but better than the numbness.
- I fell in love with the Laurel H. Anita Blake series. I'm obsessed. After finishing each book I feel wrong because what it is is sci-fi fantasy mixed with erotica and it is quite explicit. I don't want to stop reading for moral obligations. I don't want to stop reading them at all and I probably won't but am I wrong and sinning and is that perpetual knowledgeable sin going to cost me something? It's just a book right? Still thinking on that.
- The last couple of days I have felt a perpetual feeling of fear and near panic over my unsure financial and work future. It's heavy and uncomfortable. I'm tired of that cycle I suppose.
- School is done for the semester. I did pretty badly.
- I don't know what's next but what's new about that.
Not much of an update but it is what it is. I have to pack now cause I'm going to be on a bus to MD in less than 7 hrs.
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| I'm slipping away, into that place that I go when too much needs to be figured out and yet I have no next step. I can feel myself slipping into my head, waiting for an idea that will solve it all. I'm always trying to solve every single problem and issue in my life. I treat it like if I can pinpoint the solution, speak the words out loud, I'll wake up in the morning and everything will be solved.
What I feel this morning is that my stomach hurts from eating too much Thanksgiving shit. I'm thirsty because I haven't gotten enough water today. My hair is matted and dry. I'm having a hard time getting into my Terry B. book because my Laurel H. book was so good. I have to turn my script in tomorrow and I don't know how good it is or if it's in its proper script format. Is it wrong that I only care about it a little bit. Am I suppose to be passionate about this? I'm not. After it's due, I want to just concentrate on reading for fun. But I have a final to study for.
This journal has not been full of happy thoughts. It's because inside of my head, I am rarely happy. I am often contemplative, too often sad or low. Why? Probably because I'm thinking more than I'm acting. Much like eating more than I am burning. It creates a mental obesity. Solution. Live more, do more, think less. Do more.
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| Dear God,
There's so much to say. I have said it already. i have said so many things to You. I have said things that I had to say and said things I wasn't so sure I was suppose to say. But i don't like rules when it comes to You. i don't want to hide anything from You. i want to be as open as a woman being royally fucked. and i don't want to have to apologize for saying that. but i will - i apologize for saying the f-word. i like the f-word.
You know the things on my mind. They are a little right, a little wrong, but mostly i can't decide. You know my thoughts. They are not Your thoughts, as you said. What are those thoughts? What are You thinking about me? What do You think about my thoughts?
I've got a lot of stuff in my head. Nothing moves forward. I've got assignments due. Things I should be doing. What should I be doing? I should stop thinking about him because I don't want him. I want one of his kind. There's a huge difference.
I've got a lot of stuff in my head. It can not be solved by me. But I am the problem and I am the solution. Right? It's tacky to come to You with this. What do You have to say about it all? You created it but we destroyed it so why would you touch it again? Not for me, of course. Why would you touch me, of course. I wish You could do for me but, then again, who wants perfection sweating over their body? It would destroy the moment a little, right?
There is an inner circle mid way through my heart. It clings to the possibility of possibilities. Grab and take, hold, want, want, have. It is not being reconciled very easily. It is a hard road to traverse. I doubt if the means will come to traverse it. Will I be disappointed in not having more? will I always wonder about those mores? It's gross, it makes my stomach hurt to think about the thoughts roaming in my head.
I am a filthy heathen. i would let them touch because in the moment that was the arc. i would forget my soul. i would forget my spirit. I'd forget You. I would forget that You thought it was all so very important and wanted something more for me than to take because it was available. You would want it all to be important, meaningful, something. Is it? Do you even think it is?
I am tired of this journey with You. I am tired of me. I am tired of not knowing but knowing that You know and knowing that in that You chose not to let me know. I hate this game and yet my life feels consumed by the game. Who are You? and why do I follow You? Why do I follow You when it feels like I'm walking through sludge? Always uphill. I am confused but even more I'm tired. I really don't know much about You and I'm tired of trying to build my identity in the barrel of my own ignorance. It would be nice if You would just teach me about who You are so that I could know who I am. I wish You would take hold of me so that I could know that I didn't need somebody else to do it. If I allowed that it would be because I wanted it, not because I needed it.
Words mean nothing to You. If these are not written on my heart, they are for nothing. Are Your words written on Your heart? What's written on Your heart. Are these thoughts written on Your heart? Are the solutions budgeted there? What else is there to say.
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